A friend sent me this.The same does not represent my thinking on marriage…HA HA HA
MARRIAGE
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
Or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing
your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
When a woman steals your husband,
There is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished
A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
A young son asked,
"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his
wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then,
it was too late."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine’s still alive."
A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, to understand a man, to Love and to forgive him and for patience, for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death "
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man a she taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would’ve put a rubber at the end of YOUR
stick, we'd be riding the bus .. .so shut the hell up."
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Monday, March 13, 2006
HOLY WRIT IN SHENG
Luke 19: 1-10
--'Luke Kumi na tisa, moja hadi ashuu.'
Then Jesus entered and passed through Jericho.
--Basi Yesu akapenya Jeri na alikuwa akipitia tuu.
Now behold,there was a man called Zaccheus who was the Chief Tax collector and was rich.
--Basi kilikuwa na msee mmoja ana itwa Zaka . Huyu Zaka alikuwa dongra wa kukwachu munde, na alikuwa sonko vibaya
And he sought to see who Jesus was, but he couldn't
because of the crowd,for he was a short man.
--Zaka alijisikia kusorora huyu Yesu ,lakini wapi ju ya ile kerende:alikuwa ka-pici!
So he ran ahead and climbed up into a sycamore tree to
see Him for he was going that direction.
--Zaka akajishanora akadandia miti ndio asorore vipoa
juu alikuwa akikwome hiyo side.
And when Jesus came to the place, He looked up and saw him, and said to him
--Basi Yesu aligalavant akafika hiyo baze,akachi-ek
mabatini akamyebi na kumshow niaje ?
"Zacchaeus,make a haste and come down, for today I must stay at your house"
--"Zaka dondoka faster faster juu leo lazima ni maintain kwa keja yako".
Luke 19: 1-10
--'Luke Kumi na tisa, moja hadi ashuu.'
Then Jesus entered and passed through Jericho.
--Basi Yesu akapenya Jeri na alikuwa akipitia tuu.
Now behold,there was a man called Zaccheus who was the Chief Tax collector and was rich.
--Basi kilikuwa na msee mmoja ana itwa Zaka . Huyu Zaka alikuwa dongra wa kukwachu munde, na alikuwa sonko vibaya
And he sought to see who Jesus was, but he couldn't
because of the crowd,for he was a short man.
--Zaka alijisikia kusorora huyu Yesu ,lakini wapi ju ya ile kerende:alikuwa ka-pici!
So he ran ahead and climbed up into a sycamore tree to
see Him for he was going that direction.
--Zaka akajishanora akadandia miti ndio asorore vipoa
juu alikuwa akikwome hiyo side.
And when Jesus came to the place, He looked up and saw him, and said to him
--Basi Yesu aligalavant akafika hiyo baze,akachi-ek
mabatini akamyebi na kumshow niaje ?
"Zacchaeus,make a haste and come down, for today I must stay at your house"
--"Zaka dondoka faster faster juu leo lazima ni maintain kwa keja yako".
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
CHURCH VOCABULARY
1. Anointing: Used to describe any non-regular emotion (crying in the middle of a song when you forget the words, telling the church off (particularly when its over tithes and offering), doing the Olympic shout around the church (first one that hits the wall gets a white hanky tied around their neck!)
2. Trick of the Enemy: Used to describe anything that happens because you didn't do what you were supposed to, like your car getting repossessed cause you didn't pay the note, lights getting shut off cause you quit work to go on tour with the pastors choir, or your child repeating the first grade cause he missed the whole second semester to go on a 90 day/90 night fast and consecration.
*Of course, we know there is grace*
3. Rhema Word: Any message from an out-of-town pastor or evangelist.
4. Prophetic Word: Same message from that out-of-town pastor, delivered 5 decibels louder, while the congregation is standing. Quiet organ music optional, but works better with silence.
5. Carnal: Used to describe a saint who goes to the movies. This term doesn't apply if you rent the same movie from Blockbuster.
6. Didn't God Move?: What saints say after a long service where the pastor doesn't preach and they just shout the whole service.
7. Unlock Your Blessing: What preachers say after they've finished preaching, and they say you must give $50 to "unlock your blessing." For a more dramatic effect, this offering can be started at $1,000 and worked down to $25.
8. He'll Do It If You Let Him (followed by inaudible tongues): Round one of shouting; will begin in 5 minutes. Organist get ready.
9. We Got To Move On: What the preacher says when he wants shout time to start up again. Organist, turn up the volume on the Leslie.
10. We Have Time for One More Testimony: Not really, we're just waiting on the pastor to come into service. If you're called on during this one, when you hear clapping, just stop talking, cause the pastor has walked in and people are no longer interested in what God did for you.
11. We Can Never Pay for the Word: Get your checkbook out, the auction will begin momentarily! This phrase always comes before the offering is taken for the guest speaker.
12. God Has Been Dealing with Me on Some Issues: I'm still doing what I was doing before I got saved, only now I just put in an extra $5 in my offering when I do it.
13. Is He Worthy: Of course He is; why ask a question like that.
14. Let Us Go To God in Our Own Way: This is what you say when they ask you to pray in church and you don't know what to say.
15. Get Ready, Get Ready, Get Ready! Don't really know what this one means, but if you're not careful, a shout could break out when you say it. It must be said three times to have real impact.
16. I Can't Get No Help: Preachers say this when no one says amen in the spot they thought would get a lot of amens.
17. I'm Blessed and Highly Favored: Said when a fellow saint asks "how are you?" Memo to saints: you CAN be saved and answer "fine" when someone asks how are you.
18. Where The Spirit of The Lord is, There is liberty: Whenever you want to disrupt service and holler out when it’s quiet, use this statement to justify your behavior.
19. Get Ready To Go To The Next Level: This means the church will be hosting another revival in a few months.
20. Stand To Your Feet: This gives the illusion that the preacher is finished, but be prepared to stand up for at least 1/2 hour. May be cut to 15 minutes if the organist starts playing softly.
21. Give God a Shabach: Scream to the top of your lungs. Some church members may blow whistles and wave flags as well.
22. Every Head Bowed, Every Eye Closed: Quick! Everyone look around to see who's getting saved again this week.
23. Secular: Any person, place, object or event that's not in the church.
24. The "Yes Lord" Song: Signals the official end to shout time. Anyone still shouting when this song is over is considered to be "in self".
25. In Self: Used to describe someone who acts alone in church. For example, someone who is shouting alone. Add two more people to this display and its called...
26. In The Spirit: When three people are doing the same thing in a church service at the same time.
27. Prayer Partner: Phone buddy. 5 minutes of prayer,1 hour of church gossiping.
SOURCE: INTERNET
2. Trick of the Enemy: Used to describe anything that happens because you didn't do what you were supposed to, like your car getting repossessed cause you didn't pay the note, lights getting shut off cause you quit work to go on tour with the pastors choir, or your child repeating the first grade cause he missed the whole second semester to go on a 90 day/90 night fast and consecration.
*Of course, we know there is grace*
3. Rhema Word: Any message from an out-of-town pastor or evangelist.
4. Prophetic Word: Same message from that out-of-town pastor, delivered 5 decibels louder, while the congregation is standing. Quiet organ music optional, but works better with silence.
5. Carnal: Used to describe a saint who goes to the movies. This term doesn't apply if you rent the same movie from Blockbuster.
6. Didn't God Move?: What saints say after a long service where the pastor doesn't preach and they just shout the whole service.
7. Unlock Your Blessing: What preachers say after they've finished preaching, and they say you must give $50 to "unlock your blessing." For a more dramatic effect, this offering can be started at $1,000 and worked down to $25.
8. He'll Do It If You Let Him (followed by inaudible tongues): Round one of shouting; will begin in 5 minutes. Organist get ready.
9. We Got To Move On: What the preacher says when he wants shout time to start up again. Organist, turn up the volume on the Leslie.
10. We Have Time for One More Testimony: Not really, we're just waiting on the pastor to come into service. If you're called on during this one, when you hear clapping, just stop talking, cause the pastor has walked in and people are no longer interested in what God did for you.
11. We Can Never Pay for the Word: Get your checkbook out, the auction will begin momentarily! This phrase always comes before the offering is taken for the guest speaker.
12. God Has Been Dealing with Me on Some Issues: I'm still doing what I was doing before I got saved, only now I just put in an extra $5 in my offering when I do it.
13. Is He Worthy: Of course He is; why ask a question like that.
14. Let Us Go To God in Our Own Way: This is what you say when they ask you to pray in church and you don't know what to say.
15. Get Ready, Get Ready, Get Ready! Don't really know what this one means, but if you're not careful, a shout could break out when you say it. It must be said three times to have real impact.
16. I Can't Get No Help: Preachers say this when no one says amen in the spot they thought would get a lot of amens.
17. I'm Blessed and Highly Favored: Said when a fellow saint asks "how are you?" Memo to saints: you CAN be saved and answer "fine" when someone asks how are you.
18. Where The Spirit of The Lord is, There is liberty: Whenever you want to disrupt service and holler out when it’s quiet, use this statement to justify your behavior.
19. Get Ready To Go To The Next Level: This means the church will be hosting another revival in a few months.
20. Stand To Your Feet: This gives the illusion that the preacher is finished, but be prepared to stand up for at least 1/2 hour. May be cut to 15 minutes if the organist starts playing softly.
21. Give God a Shabach: Scream to the top of your lungs. Some church members may blow whistles and wave flags as well.
22. Every Head Bowed, Every Eye Closed: Quick! Everyone look around to see who's getting saved again this week.
23. Secular: Any person, place, object or event that's not in the church.
24. The "Yes Lord" Song: Signals the official end to shout time. Anyone still shouting when this song is over is considered to be "in self".
25. In Self: Used to describe someone who acts alone in church. For example, someone who is shouting alone. Add two more people to this display and its called...
26. In The Spirit: When three people are doing the same thing in a church service at the same time.
27. Prayer Partner: Phone buddy. 5 minutes of prayer,1 hour of church gossiping.
SOURCE: INTERNET
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
IT PAYS TO BE A KENYAN
Well this is not my original work somebody forwarded the same to me.
A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country and decides he'll pick the least painful to spend his eternity.
He goes to Germany hell and asks, "what do they do here?" He is told "first they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day". The man does not like the sound of that at all so he moves on. He checks out the Shell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all similar to the German hell.
Then he comes to the Kenyan hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He is told "first they put you in an electric chair for an hour, then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
The Kenyan devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells why are there so many people waiting to get in?" asks the man.” Because there is never any electricity so the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable to sleep on. And the Kenyan devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business. "
SO YOU SEE, IT PAYS TO BE A KENYAN!!
A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country and decides he'll pick the least painful to spend his eternity.
He goes to Germany hell and asks, "what do they do here?" He is told "first they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day". The man does not like the sound of that at all so he moves on. He checks out the Shell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all similar to the German hell.
Then he comes to the Kenyan hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He is told "first they put you in an electric chair for an hour, then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
The Kenyan devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells why are there so many people waiting to get in?" asks the man.” Because there is never any electricity so the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable to sleep on. And the Kenyan devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business. "
SO YOU SEE, IT PAYS TO BE A KENYAN!!
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
LEST WE FORGET
We Kenyans are notorious for what I would call SMS (Short Memory Syndrome). We fete our heroes today tomorrow we nail them on some cross. How I wish we could spare a moment for them and think of ways of honouring them (especially those who are still with us).
I wish to list down the Kenyans whom I will call the heroes of the second liberation. These are the men and women who risked their careers, limbs, family, liberty and property to agitate for freedom. Almost all of them had comfortable jobs or prosperous businesses and they could have opted to keep quiet and enjoy. The list is not exhaustive but I hope the point is made.
STUDENT LEADERS
q Titus Adungosi
q Mwandawiro Mghanga
q Wafula Buke
q Tirop Kitur
q David Murathe
BISHOPS
q Bishop Henry Okullu
q Bishop Alexander Muge
q Bishop (Archbishop) David Gitari
q Rev Timothy Njoya
EDITORS
q Gitobu Imanyara
q Njehu Gatabaki
q Pius Nyamora
LAWYERS
q Dr Oki Ooko Ombaka
q Dr John Khaminwa
q Dr Gibson Kamau Kuria
q Dr Willy Mutunga
q Pheroze Nowrojee
q James Orengo
q Wanyiri Kihoro
q Charles Nyachae
q Rumba Kinuthia
q Beatrice Nduta
q Japheth Shamalla
q Gacheche wa Miano
POLITICIANS
q Charles Rubia
q Jaramogi Adonijah Oginga Odinga
q Keneth Stanley Njindo Matiba
q Masinde Muliro
q Salim Ndamwe
q Mohammed Bhamariz
q Joseph Martin Shikuku
q George Anyona
q Njeru Kathangu
q Philip Gachoka
q Ngotho Kariuki
q Prof Edward Oyugi
And the villains?
I wish to list down the Kenyans whom I will call the heroes of the second liberation. These are the men and women who risked their careers, limbs, family, liberty and property to agitate for freedom. Almost all of them had comfortable jobs or prosperous businesses and they could have opted to keep quiet and enjoy. The list is not exhaustive but I hope the point is made.
STUDENT LEADERS
q Titus Adungosi
q Mwandawiro Mghanga
q Wafula Buke
q Tirop Kitur
q David Murathe
BISHOPS
q Bishop Henry Okullu
q Bishop Alexander Muge
q Bishop (Archbishop) David Gitari
q Rev Timothy Njoya
EDITORS
q Gitobu Imanyara
q Njehu Gatabaki
q Pius Nyamora
LAWYERS
q Dr Oki Ooko Ombaka
q Dr John Khaminwa
q Dr Gibson Kamau Kuria
q Dr Willy Mutunga
q Pheroze Nowrojee
q James Orengo
q Wanyiri Kihoro
q Charles Nyachae
q Rumba Kinuthia
q Beatrice Nduta
q Japheth Shamalla
q Gacheche wa Miano
POLITICIANS
q Charles Rubia
q Jaramogi Adonijah Oginga Odinga
q Keneth Stanley Njindo Matiba
q Masinde Muliro
q Salim Ndamwe
q Mohammed Bhamariz
q Joseph Martin Shikuku
q George Anyona
q Njeru Kathangu
q Philip Gachoka
q Ngotho Kariuki
q Prof Edward Oyugi
And the villains?
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
THE SEVEN WOES
If Jesus was physically present in Kenya today I am sure He will rebuke the following group of Kenyans as He did to the Pharisees, Lawyers, Scribes and Sadducees.
Woe unto to you lawyers for you burden the illiterate and the poor with cumbersome procedures and legalities, which you yourselves are not willing to undergo.
Woe unto to you lawyers, smooth talkers for you steal from the accident victims so that you can buy for yourselves flashy cars.
Woe unto you Pharisees (politicians) for you shed crocodile tears when people die of police bullets yet you are the ones who incite them to riot.
Woe unto you Pharisees for you steal even from the dead. You have grabbed graveyards, toilets, road reserves, schools and forests. You have not even spared the places of worship.
Woe unto you Pharisees for you claim ownership to the people you never created.
Woe unto you scribes for you condemn others for the very acts that you indulge in everyday. Who gave you the mandate to sit in judgment over others?
Woe unto you televangelists for you steal from the poor in the name of seed offerings. You whitewashed sepulchres it is easier for Wacucu to enter heaven than any one of you
If Jesus was physically present in Kenya today I am sure He will rebuke the following group of Kenyans as He did to the Pharisees, Lawyers, Scribes and Sadducees.
Woe unto to you lawyers for you burden the illiterate and the poor with cumbersome procedures and legalities, which you yourselves are not willing to undergo.
Woe unto to you lawyers, smooth talkers for you steal from the accident victims so that you can buy for yourselves flashy cars.
Woe unto you Pharisees (politicians) for you shed crocodile tears when people die of police bullets yet you are the ones who incite them to riot.
Woe unto you Pharisees for you steal even from the dead. You have grabbed graveyards, toilets, road reserves, schools and forests. You have not even spared the places of worship.
Woe unto you Pharisees for you claim ownership to the people you never created.
Woe unto you scribes for you condemn others for the very acts that you indulge in everyday. Who gave you the mandate to sit in judgment over others?
Woe unto you televangelists for you steal from the poor in the name of seed offerings. You whitewashed sepulchres it is easier for Wacucu to enter heaven than any one of you
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