LETTER TO THE CABINET

Hi guys,

This is my assessment of each one of you.

Hon Mwai Kibaki, B.A (Lon) Bsc (Econ) LSE, EGH, MP.
President & Commander –in-Chief
Sir, you must have realised that running a country requires more than a degree in economics. If Kenyans were to hire me to headhunt for a chief executive you will not make my shortlist. I will be kind to you. Please take a golden handshake and go home and uji-enjoy.

Hon Arthur Moody Awori
Vice President & Minister for Home Affairs
You are doing a good job as a prison reformer. However the vice presidency is overwhelming you. I will keep you as a Minister for Home Affairs.

Hon Moses Akaranga,Dip
Minister of State for Public Service
The President did not put you there in good faith. You fried Mudavadi in 2002. He deep-fried you in the referendum. Your task is to cut him to size and probably karanga him again in 2007. Do you have what it takes? Please consider a career change.

Hon John Njoroge Michuki,
Minister of State for Internal Security & Provincial Administration
You can make a good provincial commissioner. This docket is clearly larger than you. You have exhausted all the tricks in the books and yet we are still in the same situation we were in a few years ago. I must however admit that you streamlined the matatu industry. If I was to offer you a job in the public service I will make you the chairman of Transport Licensing Board. However you are past retirement age.

Hon John Munyes
Minister of State for Special Programmes
Sir your people passed a vote of no confidence in the government you are now serving in the recently concluded referendum. You together with your chairman misled the president regarding the people’s views. You thus turned yourself into a false prophet. You have no business being in the cabinet.

Hon Lt Col Gideon Sielo Konchella
Minister of State for Registration & Immigration

I have nothing against you. However a person who is clearly out of touch with his people has no business being in the cabinet. Remember your predecessor in Kilgoris occupied a much more powerful office than yours yet you beat him in 2002. You are among the many false prophets in the cabinet.
Hon James Njenga Karume
Minister of State for Defence

The less said about you the better.

Hon Suleiman Shakombo, Dip(Mngmt)
Minister of State for National Heritage

I thought you are a national heritage!

Hon David Mwiraria, BA, MA (Mak)
Minister for Finance

Your training is in mathematics and not economics or finance. If you make my shortlist I would make you the Minister for Planning.

Hon Henry Obwocha, BA, MA (Oxon) FCPA(K) FCCA
Minister for Planning & National Development
You belong to Ford People an opposition party. What are you doing here? Your place is in the Public Accounts Committee. I would charge you with obtaining a job by false pretences.

Hon Raphael Tuju, Dip (KIMC) (MA?)
Minister for Foreign Affairs & International Co-operation

You are a good comedian. Unfortunately international relations is a grave business requiring well-trained people and not clowns. You will definitely kill our reputation as a country. For the sake of this country please stay out of the foreign office. We can always fix you somewhere e.g as KBC’s editor- in- chief.

Hon Prof George Saitoti, Bsc, Msc, PhD
Minister For Education

You can make a great choirmaster. The Baba Na Mama songs are still registered in our memories. There comes a time when the interests of the nation supercedes that of a minister. That time is now. Please sir step aside.

Hon Charity Ngilu, KCE
Minister for Health

You blow both hot and cold. I wish you opted for either. Because of your unpredictability one cannot entrust you with a serious job. You are among the few leaders who believe that your candle will shine brighter if your neighbour’s is put off.

Hon Dr Mukhisa Kituyi, BA, MA, PhD
Minister for Trade & Industry

You are among the handful of ministers who perform. I would give you better appointments in the Cabinet. However you will do with a little humility. Remember pride comes before a fall.

Hon John Kipsang Koech, BA
Minister For East Africa & Regional Cooperation
You can make a good headmaster. Without wasting time I would make you the Headmaster of Chebole Secondary School.

Hon Prof Kivutha Kibwana, LLB (Nrb) LLM (Lon), LLM (Harvard), SJD
Minister for Environment & Natural Resources
You were great when you were in the academia and civil society. However you look like fish out of water in politics. How the mighty have fallen! You should seriously consider a career change. In the meanwhile I think you can do very well as a minister for Justice and Constitutional Affairs.

Hon Kipruto Kiprono arap Kirwa, Dip (Agr. Eng) Dip. Ed
Minister for Agriculture
You are a great talker. I would persuade the Leader of the Official Opposition to fix you somewhere probably as a shadow Minister for Agriculture.

Hon Njeru Ndwiga, KACE
Minister for Cooperative Development

You must have been an aggressive insurance agent. I am sure you realised that running a government is not as easy as selling life policies. That is why you resorted to sycophancy. If there were a ministry of sycophancy I would promptly post you there. By the way did I hear you say that you used to ride in wheelbarrows before becoming a minister?

Hon Mutua Katuku, BA, MA
Minister for Water & Irrigation

You have distinguished yourself as a sycophant. I would appoint you an assistant minister in Njeru Ndwiga’s ministry. However such a ministry do not exist at the moment.

Hon Mutahi Kagwe
Minister for Information & Communication
We are watching.

Hon Chirau Ali Mkwere, BA, MA
Minister for Transport

Sir, you are a disaster personified. I will not allow you anywhere near a public office.

Hon Simeon Nyachae, KAPE
Minister for Roads & Public Works

In 2002 you told us that we should not elect Mr Kibaki because he is incompetent. You were right, but what are you doing in his government? You are an opportunist per excellence!

Hon Morris Dzoro, BA, MA
Minister for Tourism & Wildlife

Your greatest achievement in your ministry to date is your selling of our animals to Thailand and de-gazettement of Amboseli. I will not allow you anywhere near any public property otherwise I will have you charged for treason.

Hon Maina Kamanda
Minister for Sports, Culture & Gender
I do not want to be sued for libel!

Hon Martha Karua, LLB
Minister for Justice & Constitutional Affairs
You did a good job in the Ministry of Water. However you need a refresher course in geography, Kenya is bigger than Kirinyaga! Your volcanic temperament is not suitable for this ministry at this time in history, your legal background notwithstanding. However local councils need a person like you. I would therefore give you the local government ministry.

Hon Dr Mohamed Kuti
Minister for Youth

You were elected on KANU ticket. What are you doing here? Please ishia!

Hon Abdi Mohammed
Minister for Regional Development

See Mohammed Kuti’s letter.

Hon Kiraitu Murungi, LLB, LLM (Nrb) LLM (Harvard)
Minister for Energy

You once advised the former president to go look after his ngoats, buy a TV set and observe how ngovernment is run. Time has come for you to take your own advice. Time to go back to Imenti is now.

Hon Dr Newton Kulundu, MBchB (Nrb) (MPH)
Minister for Labour & Human Resource Development
Daktari just admit hi mambo ya uwaziri is beyond your ability. I would give you an assistant minister’s position in the ministry of health.

Hon Musikari Kombo, BA
Minister for Local Government
I do not want to be sued for libel.

Hon Joseph Munyao, KCE
Minister for Livestock Development & Fisheries
At first I thought this ministry was suitable for you. However I think you can make a great cattle dip manager!

Hon. Amos Kimunya, Bcom (Nrb) FCPA (K) CPS (K)
Minister for Lands & Settlement

You are an accomplished accountant. I did not know that accountants also deal in land. To be fair to you I would place you in the finance ministry as an assistant minister. You need to learn the ropes.

Hon Soita Shitanda
Minister for Housing
You owe you position in the cabinet to your chairman. You have set a precedent of sorts. You together with Kibwana, Wekesa and Munyes are the only Kenyans who have successfully demanded to be made cabinet ministers. Watch out for the backlash. Remember however that Chairman Kombo is a bad company.

Hon Dr Noah Wekesa, Bsc (Vet Medicine)
Minister for Science & Technology

I think you are suitable for this job. But you can do better in Livestock and Fisheries Ministry. However you should not keep bad company. Chairman Kombo is bad company.

S Amos Wako, Bsc (Econ)(Lon) LLB (Dar) LLM (Lon) EBS, EGH, SC
Attorney General

I did not know that lawyers could be mercenaries. In the world of mercenaries you are king. I would therefore export you to countries where your services will be appreciated. Iraq and Zimbabwe quickly comes to mind.